One of the things I was hopeful for in returning to blogging was an outlet to get things off my chest. To lay bare if you will what’s consuming my mind. And to some degree that’s been the case, but as I write this I realize how much I’m guarded. How much we’re all guarded. And I wonder why that is?
We live in this amazing time of being able to share our thoughts, pictures, and opinions out to every corner of the globe in a matter of seconds. Still, it’s all calculated, or self-serving, or veiled truths. It’s an alternate reality of ourselves where all things are “stunning”, or “amazing” or “going exactly the way I want”. We’ve become a group of people where everything is shared and very little of it is authentic. There’s a part of me that wants to swim against that tide and cast open the doors and let it all spill out. Let the truth out. Let out the doubt, the insecurity, my real opinion on things, but I don’t. I stop just short of that line. I’m far from alone. Perfectly tended timelines and self-aggrandizing bully pulpit blogs tell the story of what we want people to think, but not what truly is. Is it a competition? Is it fear? Is it jealousy? Hatred? Is the quest for approval or adulation? Or is it simply we’ve lost the ability to be truly honest with one another? I don’t have the answers, I’m just asking the questions. Mostly of myself as you are free to portray yourself in any manner you see fit online and in the real world for that matter (because this isn’t a new paradigm born just in the online world).
Here’s what I know about me. I’m not being 100% honest and that’s bothering me. I’m not even sure why (that seems to be a recurring pattern in my life – not knowing why something bothers me and I need to explore that more). Am I jealous? Tired? Resentful? Or just preoccupied with the wrong things?
Again, more questions that lead to more questions with few to no answers along the way. But that’s ok. At least I’m asking myself the questions and seeking that truth. If I find it though, will I share it? Should I share it? Heck, would anyone even care? Probably not.
Which leads me all the way back to the beginning. Why do we shape our truths instead of just being truthful if no one really cares what we’re saying in the first place? It has to be for ourselves. So then, why on earth do we lie to ourselves? That’s the million dollar question. Why do we lie to ourselves? Or more apt why are we not truthful with ourselves? Maybe we really can’t handle the truth and this is an expertly crafted defensive mechanism. Though I don’t believe that. I think it’s something more. And I plan to explore it more and hopefully write truthfully about what I discover along the way.